A Little Update About Life

Hey! It’s been way too long right? I KNOW! Want to know what’s up? Follow along. It could get long.

Since the Kamloops IRS recovery of 215 students who didn’t make it home, I’ve been on a journey. That news uncovered in me, a whole lot of trauma and mental health issues. I was thrust in to rage and hate but also sadness and deep pain. It brought forth all the what ifs and what could have beens had my parents not attended or had they not made it home. I wouldn’t be here if they didn’t but also how different my life might have been had they not been forced to attend IRS.

So with that news, I was forced in to a journey I didn’t plan on taking but here I am. Still. Thankfully. It’s been hard, painful and exhausting but more and more I find the bits of peace I long for. I’m not getting any younger and this healing journey always astounds me, it never ends. There is always something.

Fast forward to these last few weeks. I’ve been decluttering our home like a mad woman. Why? I realized that all the clutter impacted my peace and caused me overwhelm and a sense of chaos. A lot of my life has been chaos, so that really takes a toll at this point of my journey, so the more structure and order I have, the more at peace I feel.

Since unloading 5+ boxes of stuff at the local thrift store and making some money on the items I sold, I have counter space! I don’t have a junk bin on the counter any more! I wake up feeling relieved and rejuvenated. It’s the best feeling ever. I woke up this morning thinking, “Man, I love waking up to a clear and clean space – clutter-free space!” It’s the best thing I’ve done for myself in this journey to date. I don’t feel so overwhelmed by STUFF when I come in to our home. I’m not annoyed and disgusted by the things we have in our space. (Don’t get me wrong, there’s always room for improvement! Yes, I’m that girl!) I have to thank The Minimalists for their podcast and Netflix shows for the inspiration. They speak my language and I love the concept so much. They’re my super heroes!

Hmm, what else? I’ve been super elated to see so many others decluttering their lives too! They’ve commented thank-yous and updates with me and it brings me great joy to see others unloading all the dead weight. That’s what clutter is – it’s dead weight, negative energy. Who wants that? NOT ME. Keep moving forward, friends. We got this!

With that, thank you for joining me here. That wasn’t too long after all. I will be cleaning up (ahem, decluttering) my social media and digital life so I hope to write more here so I hope you come back. I have much to be thankful for today, we all do, we just have to take a look around, then get up and get on with it. Cheers!

R

Stop This Crazy Train, I Want to Get Off

Stop this crazy train I want to get off. This post is long overdue. I’ve not been myself for a very long time, or at least that’s the way it feels. Aging is hard. Life with teens is hard. Being happily married is hard. Shit is hard or so it seems. In reality, it’s only hard because I’ve not been myself as I mentioned.

I know, I know many people have it far worse than I do and that’s why I should shut the fuck up and be grateful. Don’t get me wrong; I’m so completely grateful for every day, my life, and my family, all of it. It’s just hard to deal with when you’re not feeling yourself and I’m not afraid to admit that. Sure, it’s selfish but that’s ok too. I’ve come to a place in my life where I need to be selfish. I need to take care of me first, so I don’t go completely off the deep end. Cue the crazy train.

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I’m not sure when or where it started but one day I felt good, the next I felt ‘off’. Misery. Whatever you heard about misery loving company is a lie. I hate people. I hate noise. I hate people, places and things. I just want to be left alone. I’m not even joking. Socializing makes me sick. Who knew that was even possible right? Well, now I know. It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this. There were days where I felt literally crazy, like I was losing my mind, scared of what was happening to me. This is not the Renee I know. Oh but it is, naïve Renee. It is fully and completely you and you are ok, I learn to tell myself that after many days and months of feeling like shit.

Why am I telling you this? Why should you care? You don’t have to care and I don’t have to tell you but if I’ve learned anything about healing, it’s that talking about it helps and who knows? I just might be helping others to learn about themselves, too. I learned that these feelings, anxiety and depression happen to everyone and I’m not unique by any means. Shit right? We all want to be ‘the one’ hey? Well, tough shit.

If I could pinpoint a time when this started, it would be way back when I worked at my previous employer. That being said, it could have been earlier and just not noticed, so there’s no real way to say for sure. Anyway, I was in the shower one day getting ready for work when I felt like I couldn’t breathe suddenly, like the lights started to go out and my heart rate increased at a rapid pace. That morning I went to the emergency room just to be safe and learned I had a panic attack. What? Where the hell did that come from? I felt fine, though!? I was only getting ready for my usual day. What I didn’t know or understand at the time was that my work environment was causing this stress. Naturally, I blamed myself at first until a really awesome and supportive doctor helped me to understand that it was indeed linked to work and it wasn’t my fault. It just so happened that every morning before work I’d feel ‘funny or off’ but I didn’t realize that until much later and by talking these events through with medical and mental health professionals. Ok, so all better right? Nope.

Add the much earlier passing of my Grandma, my son’s graduation, his pending college departure, leaving a job I enjoyed and financial security, taking on two puppies, financial burdens, losing so many loved ones in such a short period of time, and I ask myself, how did I actually not go completely off the deep end? Thankfully I didn’t and I got help in time. I took care of my health and took time to recover. Some days I slept for two to three hours and would still get seven to eight hours of sleep at night. Even up until recently, I still felt ‘off’ and out of sorts but with talking to great supports, I am feeling alive again. That’s not to say, I won’t get in those funks again because it’s possible. Anything is possible, one day at a time, though. Focus on the good.

So what’s my point? My point is that I believe many people suffer in silence. I believe we need to take better care of our mental health. If we break something, we go to a doctor. If our hearts are broken a hundred times, we don’t. We ought to. If you repeatedly hurt or break something in some way, there’s going to be serious damage and sometimes we can’t see that damage but it’s there and it hurts us in other ways like what I mentioned above. Depression kills. Stress kills. Pain kills. Suffering kills. We’ve lost so many people in our community that it’s impossible for everyone to be perfectly ok. That alone is enough to do serious damage to our people and I think that’s prevalent if you just look around. Today, I am ok but I still have deep wounds that need healing, too. Remember, you’re worth it. You matter and your mental health is just as important as any physical health issues. It hurts to look deep inside and open old wounds but what’s on the other side is nothing short of beautiful. We are worth it.

Today, I choose to enjoy this beautiful day and live life on my terms. I’m not crazy, just dealing with healing, that’s all.

 

Renee

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