Racing Against Time

There’s so many things I want to say but not enough memory to remember what they are. I’m home alone, it’s a Saturday night, the puppies are playing beside me, bumping me as I type this. They sure know how to annoy some days. Thankfully, their cuteness overrides my annoyance.

I’m feeling lost for words even though there are so many things I want to say. My mind races. My heart pounds. I have a lump in my throat. It feels like anger, a deep sadness, anxiousness, pain, love and healing. I feel like there’s been so much death in such a short period of time that I am racing against time to do and say all the things I want to do and say. I feel frantic some days. I want to shout to the world, “I love you, you matter, thank you for being a part of my life, I’m happy we met or that I got to call you family/friend!!” It just seems like there’s never enough time, especially when your loved one is taken so suddenly. It’s hard not to face the reality of the most certain thing we have in life – death. It’s imminent.

Having been a part of so many funerals, going through the losses of family and friends, it has really put life into perspective for me. I’m just so grateful for every day of my life. My husband and our kids. Our life, health and happiness means so much to me. Every thing just seems so trivial now. Such things are usually not worth my time or energy. I really like my life of solitude. It grounds me. I want to live fully and embrace every day, for it is all we have for sure, in this moment. Nothing is promised. I can’t even put in to words the longing I have to just live a good, healthy and rich life. I feel I owe it to my past loved ones to do right my by life and really live and love. I don’t have enough words to express my longing but it’s there, deep in my soul, and I’m excited for life. I wake up every day grateful because I am.

I feel free and alive. Yes, even as I sit here with dogs (now) bouncing on my lap, in my pjs, messy hair, ready for bed. I can’t explain fully what I feel because it’s something I’ve never felt before. Maybe it’s an enlightening? What the hell is that anyway!? Or change? Or growth? Or healing? I don’t have the right words but I know that whatever is coming, is going to be fucking amazing. I’m also very excited!

Before I say good night, bless those who are grieving tonight, whether it be a loved one, a job, a partner, a child, know that you are loved and that you’re being protected from above. We are never alone. Good night.